Fumbling, Falling, Fallen Self

There is something amiss. There must be some reason that I continue to struggle with the same things on a cyclical basis.

Walking strong... growing tired... tempted... sometimes pull back... still tired... tempted... fall... forgiven... walking strong... growing tired...

Ack. It got old the first time around and I've been through this several times. I have so many different lines of thought in my head, all speaking at the same time - it's enough to drive me mad.

And I am mad. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at society, I'm, well, to be honest I'm mad at God too. I'm mad that it is so hard... mad that I find the need to wage war against my self... and then lose the battle time and again.

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." -Paul, Romans 7:15-25

So what then? Where does this leave me? In the middle of a frustrating, infuriating, exasperating, exhausting tug-of-war with myself.

And I find God strangely silent... or is it that I've stopped listening?

Wretched one that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Calvin & Hobbes Quotes

God put me on this Earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

I try to make everyones life a little more surreal.

-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

-Calvin's Father, Calvin & Hobbes

.Misconceptions.

Too often I think people confuse two very different things... and to their detriment. There is a substantial difference between being friendly and flirting. Those who misconstrue or play ignorant to the difference set themselves up to either opening themselves up to something they don't want or closing themselves off to something that is good. (For the sake of this blog, and to avoid too many rabbit trails, I will restrict my remarks to the latter.)

The basic definitions of the words themselves provide a framework for the difference.

Friend
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem 2: one that is not hostile 3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4: a favored companion

Flirt

1: to move erratically [note this does not say "erotically"] 2 a: to behave amorously without serious intent b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking ; also : experiment 3: to come close to reaching or experiencing something —used with with

Unfortunately for many, particularly in Christian circles, they have confused the terms. Not intentionally, I understand, but the result is still sadly the same.

In order to "flee" from behaving amorously without serious intent many become hostile.

Yes, I said hostile. And just so we're all on the same page, let me include the definition for hostile.

Hostile
1 a: of or relating to an enemy b: marked by malevolence hostile act> c: openly opposed or resisting d (1): not hospitable (2): having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature

The problem with adding definitions is that I feel the need to continue adding definitions for words that are used in the definitions. Such as hospitable, intimidating, and so on.

My point is, although I don't take offense, I do grieve somewhat when attempts at friendliness are construed as flirting.

**Author's Note: I am not denying that I, at times, act in a flirtatious manner. I do. I'm simply saying that it is not the same as being friendly. Believe me, when I'm flirting, I (and witnesses) know.**

Those who are afraid of appearing flirtatious often have the sad result of appearing unfriendly... even hostile. Why do we, particularly females in Christian circles, constrict, restrict and every other kind of "strict" ourselves into keeping quiet, pulled back, guarded, cold?

For heaven's sake, shake off the stupor, ignorance and woeful ignorance that rules too many of us. Fight it.

Life is meant to be lived. Smile. Breathe. Interact. Relate. Reach out. Give.

"Practice hospitality." Romans 12:13

Ok... one last definition.

Hospitable
1 a: given to generous and cordial reception of guests b: promising or suggesting generous and cordial welcome c: offering a pleasant or sustaining environment


And those are some of my thoughts on the matter.

.05.05.05.

Today is one of my favorite days of the year! It's right up there with Christmas and my birthday. Today is my Day of Grace. My day of liberation. My independence day.

I'm struggling to compose this post because I feel the "important-ness" of the day and want to write something of equal weight.

My fear though is that this desire to write something only after I have been able to formulate the words to express the emotions will cause the day to slip past and I'll have made no mention of it at all.

Consider this my making mention of it and I will probably find myself back on later trying to more fully define all that is in my head.

.Foolishness.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/05/02/coed.dorm.rooms.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Is anybody really believing this? Are people really foolish enough to think that coed dorm rooms will never be nothing more than a healthy, platonic environment?

What do you say in that card game where you think someone just lied about the cards they put down?

.Seasons.

Whilst winter was here it seemed
Spring would never come - and
now that Spring has bloomed
it is difficult to remember
the depths of Winter.

Such is life.

.Emotions.

So yesterday was a happy night... which made me sad. I laughed... which made me cry. I enjoy being here... so I grieve leaving. And yet, I'm excited about things to come... which makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave. But I don't want to leave... but I do. I hate feeling guilty... it makes me angry. But why am I angry? Now I'm angry at myself because I'm angry at seemingly nothing... which makes me cry. But my close friends understand and they listen and they comfort and they console... which makes me happy... which makes me sad.

Ah, I am most definitely female.