Fumbling, Falling, Fallen Self

There is something amiss. There must be some reason that I continue to struggle with the same things on a cyclical basis.

Walking strong... growing tired... tempted... sometimes pull back... still tired... tempted... fall... forgiven... walking strong... growing tired...

Ack. It got old the first time around and I've been through this several times. I have so many different lines of thought in my head, all speaking at the same time - it's enough to drive me mad.

And I am mad. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at society, I'm, well, to be honest I'm mad at God too. I'm mad that it is so hard... mad that I find the need to wage war against my self... and then lose the battle time and again.

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." -Paul, Romans 7:15-25

So what then? Where does this leave me? In the middle of a frustrating, infuriating, exasperating, exhausting tug-of-war with myself.

And I find God strangely silent... or is it that I've stopped listening?

Wretched one that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!