.Productivity.

It's funny how something as simple as rearranging blog formatting can give me a new appreciation for life.

What some may deem a waste of time and relatively pointless was the very thing that saved me from complete insanity this afternoon. Amongst a cubicle filled with half-finished projects, all waiting on some external factor before completion is possible, it was soothing to start a project, wrestle out the details and then, at last, have a completed product to show for my work.

I almost feel like I could call it a day... except for the pesky piles of unfinished tasks still domineering my small little plot, my borrowed bit of office property.

I wish.

I wish I had the words... or the thoughts... or the time to think the thoughts that would lead to the words...

...I wish I had time for a nap.

Metanoia

The following excerpts from Father Paul's Homilies explores the many subtleties of this Greek word. Metanoia, a Greek word meaning a change of mind. A radical revision and transformation of our whole mental process. That change of mind is something whereby God takes center place in our consciousness, in our awareness, and in our minds. Metanoia means a new mind. About what? About who we are. ...If tonight you're hearing with your heart, it's time for metanoia. It's time for a new mind about yourself and about life. Metanoia is the idea of the need for conversion. And this is then recognizing that we don't know, truthfully don't know, God and truthfully don't feel ourselves as God intends us to. We really need metanoia, which is allowing the grace of God to enter into our lives and teach us how to see ourselves and how to come to the true self. When the authors wrote in Greek about what Jesus really said, they all agree that he preached metanoia. ...one idea is conversion or transformation. Change of heart and, literally, change of mind. "The kingdom of God is at hand," he says, meaning it's at arm's length. But in order for you to grasp it, you have to be able to undergo something like this: a conversion and transformation and change of heart and mind Metanoia is a new-minded way of looking at life. And, in the broader sense, contrition involves a change of mind. And that is really what is meant by the Greek word, "metanoia," whereby we start thinking anew about everything. So to bring our thoughts into a godly, godlike form, that's part of contrition; that's part of metanoia. So I need to really find out what God really is and who God is and what God wants for me. He preached the need for conversion. Now conversion in Greek is "metanioa." And what is "metanoia"? Unfortunately, in English there's not one word that translates it very well. We could say repentance, but that doesn't catch the meaning of "metanoia." "Metanoia" literally means "beyond the mind." So it's an idea of stretching or pushing beyond the boundaries with which we normally think and feel. Now when we push beyond the boundaries what we are doing is we are allowing God really to take an active role in our formation. Repentance, metanoia in Greek, really refers to a complete change in perspective, a change in goal, a change in life itself, really! It means new mindedness, new change of mind and change of heart in the Hebrew sense of heart---how you think. And that means letting go of rigidities because God has to teach us all new about God. And what we have to learn basically is how trustworthy God is, and how in every single situation, no matter what it is, no matter how painful, God is to be trusted. God is always present. So God is always inviting us into more life, and so to be questioning our own ways and our own habits is a good thing--and letting go of rigidity. Thus his entire mission was begun by announcing the need for metanoia, sometimes translated "repentance." But repentance does not mean simply regretting some action or some word. Repentance means completely turning around one's life and one's being. A change, a profound change, of mind and even character. In the Bible, in the New Testament, this change is called "metanoia," often translated repentance. But it's not a backward-looking glance of regret; it's a forward-looking vision of hope. Metanoia is a new openness to what is truly objective, beyond ourselves, our view of life, how we put the data together. From: http://www.stjosephdg.org/parish/about/metanoia.html

.Shrouded.

I'm feeling the cocoon closing in around me...

...change is on the way.

I Surrender the Facade.

It's no wonder I haven't been able to blog faithfully or why I have tended to keep things shallow when I do take the time to write things out. There are issues I'm faced with that I haven't wanted to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather give in to the pull of the waves than to continue the fight to stay afloat. It just seems like it'd be easier, you know? Like there would be relief in it.

It's a lie.

What is temptation? It is a veiled promise of something desired without truly fulfilling that desire in the end. It finds us at our weakest point and whispers seductively of a solution, however short term it may be, to the problem. It is the poison mixed with sugar, designed to be easily swallowed. It is the fish hook, the arrow point, the instrument of torture that goes in smooth only to rip a savage wound as it finishes its course by being torn from its victim.

Desire is to be expected. It, in itself, is not sin. When it is not dealt with though properly and immediately it gives birth to sin.

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death." James 1:12-15 ESV

I see it more clearly as weeds in a garden plot. The seed is planted. The shoot emerges. When full grown the weeds are death to the surrounding plants. Seeds often slip in without our noticing. (Lord, give me discernment.) When the shoots appear and the evidence of the seeds is seen it is sometimes not given our attention. What harm can a little green shoot do? (Lord, give me wisdom.) But when full grown, with roots that have grown stronger and more widespread over time, the removal of the weed is difficult, painful, and disruptive to the surrounding soil. (Lord, give me strength.)

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

I hate that it is the very thing that Christ has freed me from that I continue to find myself giving in to. I was bought with a price and yet I often treat my freedom as a curse and submit myself again to the oppression I know all too well.

Temptation offers to me (freedom) that which I already have been given! And time and again, I fall for what is extended to me.

I was humbled by a song I heard this morning by Jars of Clay.

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends

Chorus:
You know I've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep you
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

Tryin' to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover i don't understand
'cause i don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride

love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind



I've been a fool. Again. Will this tumultuous cycle never end? I long for heaven and the day that I don't have to wake up knowing that it will be a fight to pursue holiness. I desire it. I do. But I allow myself to grow weary in well doing.

Thank you for those who have encouraged me to continue the fight and for shielding me often times when I was too exhausted to put up a defense much less an offense. I am spiritually out of shape - and no wonder, considering my diet and exercise regimen of the last several months. I covet your prayers as I allow God to help me pick myself up out of the dust once again, brush off my butt and keep on with this journey. It is worth it. I know.

Where's my sword? It's time to get back in this battle.

I'm a dingbat.

As I was getting ready for work this morning my ipod was playing through some songs I hadn't heard in a while. When the old, churchy favorite "Everthing that Has Breath" came on I cracked up laughing at how appropriate it was at the moment for me.

Let me explain.

One of my brothers, who for his ego's sake will remain nameless, was as much of a character when he was younger as he is now. And I remember a day, quite vividly, as we were driving home from church, that he displayed this character in the form of an honest and earnest question.

"Stephanie, what is a dingbat?"

What? For the life of me I couldn't figure out where this question had come from. Now being that it was my brother, and this type of situation was not unusual, I didn't dwell on the source of the inquiry to heavily.

But how to answer it. Well, to my then eleven-year-old mind, a dingbat was quite simply a social misfit. (Not that I used terminology like "social misfit" at that age. Otherwise I would have known how to categorize myself. Hehe. Synonyms like dork, pest, idiot, etc did come to mind.)

After explaining this to him, as best I could, he nodded thoughtfully, obviously processing this new information in his young brain.

"Well," he finally said with a shrug, "I guess we should praise the Lord that they have breath."

It took me a minute, but when I finally understood my brother's pondering I couldn't stop laughing and agreeing with him. When we sang "Everything that has Breath" in church that morning my brother's lyrics went more like this:

"Every dingbat, every dingbat, every dingbat has breath. Praise the Lord!"

Although tempted to let him continue on with this train of thought I gently explained to him the true words. He and I both agreed that his made for a better song.

And in a way, he's right. This morning, in hearing that song again, I found myself praising God that, although I am often a dingbat, He is gracious to me in giving me life and allowing me to have it abundantly.

I have breath. Praise the Lord!

Frustration.

Do you remember the old comic strip way of designating anger? That furious, scribbled wad of ink. It looks like a hair ball... or a ball of yarn after ten cats are through with it. I always thought it was a little ridiculous. I never fully understood it.

Until now.

I was going to sit and jot down the thoughts that are clanging around in my head - figure out some way to pin them down, organize them and categorize them and then dispose of them.

No dice.

I held my pen poised over the notepad, breathed deeply, lowered the tip of the pen until it made contact with the paper and then... nothing. It just sat there as the ink began to absorb and create a blot on the fresh clean sheet of paper. The next thing I know I have scribbled a gnarled knotted mess onto the page and have put the pen down. Looking at my attempts to tame the tumbling inner turmoils I realized I had indeed accomplished something.

I finally understand the knotted gnarl's use in expression.

Good to know I can check one thing off the list.