So yesterday was a happy night... which made me sad. I laughed... which made me cry. I enjoy being here... so I grieve leaving. And yet, I'm excited about things to come... which makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave. But I don't want to leave... but I do. I hate feeling guilty... it makes me angry. But why am I angry? Now I'm angry at myself because I'm angry at seemingly nothing... which makes me cry. But my close friends understand and they listen and they comfort and they console... which makes me happy... which makes me sad.
Ah, I am most definitely female.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
.Life, Love and the Pursuit of Liberty.
I crave freedom.
Whatever its form: whether it be an open road, an afternoon without plans, a blank canvas, a friend I trust completely, or that incomparable feeling of truly being who I am... I long for it.
My soul yearns for freedom. It aches for it. Some days I have the feeling of being locked in a small, windowless room and other days it can be as bad as the feeling of being underwater and not able to reach the surface. Suffocation unnerves me. The idea of being trapped or confined causes my shoulders to tense and my pulse to quicken.
There are days however when the lid is lifted off the box, when I take in deep gulps of air, when I spread my arms and feel nothing wrenching them back. Those are the days I'm alive.
It used to be that the days I felt trapped outnumbered the days I felt free... for every one day, hour, or moment of freedom there would be a seemingly eternal stretch of time where I was reaching, clawing, desperate to be released from whatever was holding me captive.
Life is different now. There are now long, timeless stretches of liberty, interrupted by moments of constriction.
I've searched for this freedom all my life... even as a child I remember feeling the ache, the need, for a life without boundaries. A child though, can explore their world in search for that freedom and still be kept safe within the care and protective fence of their parents and family. It is quite a different story when that child, now grown, opens the gate and moves out beyond the fence and still has the ache pressing in on her soul.
My insatiable drive to do more, go more, see more, know more... to experience firsts, to continually add to the list of experiences, to push at supposed boundaries until they either gave way or proved solid (most always giving way)... this drive, this desperation... this was my undoing.
As a Christian suffering from lack of grace (and those who have experienced it know the condition I was in), I tried to dutifully separate myself from this part of me. I tried to silence it, beating it out of my inner being with as much force as one can muster when the object of such brutal attacks is one's self. I tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be, do what I thought I was supposed to do. Go where I should go. Say what I should say. Suffer as I should suffer.
Ignore the ache, it will go away.
Better yourself, you're worth nothing this way.
Silence the cries, the sobs will fade.
Better yourself, you're worth nothing this way.
This is not you, because it is wrong to ache.
Better yourself, you're worth nothing this way.
Oh the smooth, silky, poisonous lies we swallow.
I beat myself until I could no longer stand the pain. I got up off my knees, turned around... and ran.
I ran until I could run no longer. And when I stopped running, hands on my knees, gasping for breath, my ravaged being heard a gentle whisper.
Dear heart.... I desire you to be free from the bondage to corruption and to obtain freedom . I know that all of creation, and even your heart, has been groaning under the weight of it (Romans 8:20-22). Where My Spirit is there is freedom (II Cor. 3:12). It is for freedom that I set you free! Don't let yourself become a slave again (Galatians 5:1). You were called to freedom, use it in the right way (Galatians 5:13). Live as one who is free (I Peter 2:16). That is the reason I came, to proclaim liberty and to set free those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18). Live as one under the perfect law - that is the Law of Liberty (James 1:25). So Stephanie, live, breathe, speak and act as one who lives under this law (James 2:12).
Called. I was called to freedom.
People, especially those fluent in Christianese, often ask and wonder about a person's calling.
I have mine.
Called to freedom. And by the very One who I turned and ran from in search of it. For almost 23 years now I have searched for freedom. For almost 23 years now I have heard of Jesus Christ. And yet it has only been in the past 2 years that I began to understand the correlation between the two.
I am now free, and yet I live in a culture where this freedom is frowned upon and slavery is fought for and struggled to attain at any cost. There is a law that our world operates under, the law of corruption, oppression, sin and death. And yet, just as there is the Law of Gravity but the Law of Lift supersedes it, the Law of Liberty, the perfect law, supersedes the Law of Death.
That desire for freedom, the ache I tried so desperately to scourge from the depths of my being, that longing is GOOD. It is right.
What freedom there is in realizing that.
Whatever its form: whether it be an open road, an afternoon without plans, a blank canvas, a friend I trust completely, or that incomparable feeling of truly being who I am... I long for it.
My soul yearns for freedom. It aches for it. Some days I have the feeling of being locked in a small, windowless room and other days it can be as bad as the feeling of being underwater and not able to reach the surface. Suffocation unnerves me. The idea of being trapped or confined causes my shoulders to tense and my pulse to quicken.
There are days however when the lid is lifted off the box, when I take in deep gulps of air, when I spread my arms and feel nothing wrenching them back. Those are the days I'm alive.
It used to be that the days I felt trapped outnumbered the days I felt free... for every one day, hour, or moment of freedom there would be a seemingly eternal stretch of time where I was reaching, clawing, desperate to be released from whatever was holding me captive.
Life is different now. There are now long, timeless stretches of liberty, interrupted by moments of constriction.
I've searched for this freedom all my life... even as a child I remember feeling the ache, the need, for a life without boundaries. A child though, can explore their world in search for that freedom and still be kept safe within the care and protective fence of their parents and family. It is quite a different story when that child, now grown, opens the gate and moves out beyond the fence and still has the ache pressing in on her soul.
My insatiable drive to do more, go more, see more, know more... to experience firsts, to continually add to the list of experiences, to push at supposed boundaries until they either gave way or proved solid (most always giving way)... this drive, this desperation... this was my undoing.
As a Christian suffering from lack of grace (and those who have experienced it know the condition I was in), I tried to dutifully separate myself from this part of me. I tried to silence it, beating it out of my inner being with as much force as one can muster when the object of such brutal attacks is one's self. I tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be, do what I thought I was supposed to do. Go where I should go. Say what I should say. Suffer as I should suffer.
Ignore the ache, it will go away.
Better yourself, you're worth nothing this way.
Silence the cries, the sobs will fade.
Better yourself, you're worth nothing this way.
This is not you, because it is wrong to ache.
Better yourself, you're worth nothing this way.
Oh the smooth, silky, poisonous lies we swallow.
I beat myself until I could no longer stand the pain. I got up off my knees, turned around... and ran.
I ran until I could run no longer. And when I stopped running, hands on my knees, gasping for breath, my ravaged being heard a gentle whisper.
Dear heart.... I desire you to be free from the bondage to corruption and to obtain freedom . I know that all of creation, and even your heart, has been groaning under the weight of it (Romans 8:20-22). Where My Spirit is there is freedom (II Cor. 3:12). It is for freedom that I set you free! Don't let yourself become a slave again (Galatians 5:1). You were called to freedom, use it in the right way (Galatians 5:13). Live as one who is free (I Peter 2:16). That is the reason I came, to proclaim liberty and to set free those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18). Live as one under the perfect law - that is the Law of Liberty (James 1:25). So Stephanie, live, breathe, speak and act as one who lives under this law (James 2:12).
Called. I was called to freedom.
People, especially those fluent in Christianese, often ask and wonder about a person's calling.
I have mine.
Called to freedom. And by the very One who I turned and ran from in search of it. For almost 23 years now I have searched for freedom. For almost 23 years now I have heard of Jesus Christ. And yet it has only been in the past 2 years that I began to understand the correlation between the two.
I am now free, and yet I live in a culture where this freedom is frowned upon and slavery is fought for and struggled to attain at any cost. There is a law that our world operates under, the law of corruption, oppression, sin and death. And yet, just as there is the Law of Gravity but the Law of Lift supersedes it, the Law of Liberty, the perfect law, supersedes the Law of Death.
That desire for freedom, the ache I tried so desperately to scourge from the depths of my being, that longing is GOOD. It is right.
What freedom there is in realizing that.
Monday, April 21, 2008
.Another Poem.
The Winds of Fate
One ship drives East,
and another drives West,
With the self-same winds that blow;
Tis the set of the sails, and not the gales,
Which tells us the way to go.
Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate,
As we voyage along through life;
Tis the set of the soul that decides its goal,
And not the calm or the strife.
.Batter My Heart.
Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
--John Donne
One of my favorite sonnets. It became even more dear, and convicting, when I looked up the definitions of the words I only knew the vague meanings of.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"I, like an usurp'd town, to another due"
u·surp (y
-sûrp
, -zûrp)
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
--John Donne
One of my favorite sonnets. It became even more dear, and convicting, when I looked up the definitions of the words I only knew the vague meanings of.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"I, like an usurp'd town, to another due"
u·surp (y
-sûrp, -zûrp)v. u·surped, u·surp·ing, u·surps
v.tr.
1. To seize and hold (the power or rights of another, for example) by force and without legal authority. See Synonyms at appropriate.
2. To take over or occupy without right: usurp a neighbor's land.
v.intr.
To seize another's place, authority, or possession wrongfully.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend"
vice·roy (v
sroi
)n.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend"
vice·roy (v
sroi)n.1. A man who is the governor of a country, province, or colony, ruling as the representative of a sovereign.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain"
fain (f
n)
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain"
fain (f
n)adv.
adj. Archaic 1. Happily; gladly: "I would fain improve every opportunity to wonder and worship, as a sunflower welcomes the light" Henry David Thoreau.
2. Archaic Preferably; rather.
1. Ready; willing.
2. Pleased; happy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Except you enthrall me, never shall be free"
en·thrall (
n-thrôl)
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Except you enthrall me, never shall be free"
en·thrall (
n-thrôl)tr.v. en·thralled, en·thrall·ing, en·thralls
1. To hold spellbound; captivate: The magic show enthralled the audience.
2. To enslave.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Nor ever chaste,"
chaste (chst)
s-k) adj. Suggestive of or bordering on indelicacy or impropriety.) when you realize the depth and meaning of some of the words Donne uses.
And yet, it almost became more of a favorite of mine for he having used them.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Nor ever chaste,"
chaste (ch
st)adj. chast·er, chast·est
It becomes a lot more risqué (ris·qué (r1. Morally pure in thought or conduct; decent and modest.
2.
a. Not having experienced sexual intercourse; virginal.
b. Abstaining from unlawful sexual intercourse.
c. Abstaining from all sexual intercourse; celibate.
3. Pure or simple in design or style; austere.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"except you ravish me."
rav·ish (r
vsh)
-----------------------------------------------------------
"except you ravish me."
rav·ish (r
vsh)tr.v. rav·ished, rav·ish·ing, rav·ish·es
1. To seize and carry away by force.
2. To overwhelm with emotion; enrapture.
-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------
s-k) adj. Suggestive of or bordering on indelicacy or impropriety.) when you realize the depth and meaning of some of the words Donne uses.And yet, it almost became more of a favorite of mine for he having used them.
Friday, April 18, 2008
.Exhaustion.
I must admit, I am absolutely, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt, exhausted. Just plain ol' worn out!
My gypsy blood had its fill these last few weeks and now I'm in dire need of some 'plunking'. ('Plunking' for those of you who have yet heard the definition for my new term is the art of doing absolutely nothing... with style.)
So I have scheduled this evening for plunking. I'm going to cook... because it soothes my nerves to do so. I'm going to put on my plunking clothes and I'm going to plunk myself down on the couch and do nothing. Ah... the sweet anticipation of an evening of plunking.
My plate has been full... and not with just making up new words. I'm rather on edge and don't know what to attribute it to, other than the exhaustion. (My apologies to those dear friends who are dealing with me in my pre-plunking state. It should improve over the weekend.)
Not only are my nerves raw, but my mind is swimming with all the thoughts in it. None of those thoughts are tagged, color coded or in any other fashion organized and this adds to the mayhem.
A glimpse into my mind (for those brave/foolish enough to peer in):
-Too many things to do
-Not enough time (or desire) to do them
-Papers, papers, papers everywhere!
-I think I'm allergic to fluorescent lighting (recognize that I understand I'm not, I just find that my tolerance for it has plummeted.)
-How can I think outside the box when I work in one!
-HOW IS IT THE END OF APRIL??
-Wait, it's not yet the end of April...
-I FEEL LIKE IT'S THE END OF APRIL!!
-Family
-Hopes
-I like her shoes
-Fears
-Plans for the future
-If I succeed in driving Route 66 with Molly out to CA, how am I going to get back?
-Friends are in relationships that make them happy, and bless me to see them happy.
-What am I going to do for my birthday?
-Any chance we can go camping at the Dunes before I leave?
-Hm, he's good looking
-How am I going to get everything done before I leave?
-Why am I leaving?
-I want to go home
-I'll miss here
Ok! Ok! I can't even take much more of that!! Ai ai ai. I hope, for your sake, you just scrolled past that and didn't take the time to read through it. Each of those bullet points are just the headline for the thesis-long thoughts that are stuck on repeat in my brain.
I must admit to being a little overwhelmed. I am hoping that an evening of plunking will fix this... however I am trying not to get too hopeful about it because I've tried to plunk numerous times before and something always comes up.
That's the thing to: usually they are excellent somethings. It's just that I'm tired... and I need to plunk...
...and I think I need a hug, a glass of water and a fluffy pillow. Yeah. That should help.
My gypsy blood had its fill these last few weeks and now I'm in dire need of some 'plunking'. ('Plunking' for those of you who have yet heard the definition for my new term is the art of doing absolutely nothing... with style.)
So I have scheduled this evening for plunking. I'm going to cook... because it soothes my nerves to do so. I'm going to put on my plunking clothes and I'm going to plunk myself down on the couch and do nothing. Ah... the sweet anticipation of an evening of plunking.
My plate has been full... and not with just making up new words. I'm rather on edge and don't know what to attribute it to, other than the exhaustion. (My apologies to those dear friends who are dealing with me in my pre-plunking state. It should improve over the weekend.)
Not only are my nerves raw, but my mind is swimming with all the thoughts in it. None of those thoughts are tagged, color coded or in any other fashion organized and this adds to the mayhem.
A glimpse into my mind (for those brave/foolish enough to peer in):
-Too many things to do
-Not enough time (or desire) to do them
-Papers, papers, papers everywhere!
-I think I'm allergic to fluorescent lighting (recognize that I understand I'm not, I just find that my tolerance for it has plummeted.)
-How can I think outside the box when I work in one!
-HOW IS IT THE END OF APRIL??
-Wait, it's not yet the end of April...
-I FEEL LIKE IT'S THE END OF APRIL!!
-Family
-Hopes
-I like her shoes
-Fears
-Plans for the future
-If I succeed in driving Route 66 with Molly out to CA, how am I going to get back?
-Friends are in relationships that make them happy, and bless me to see them happy.
-What am I going to do for my birthday?
-Any chance we can go camping at the Dunes before I leave?
-Hm, he's good looking
-How am I going to get everything done before I leave?
-Why am I leaving?
-I want to go home
-I'll miss here
Ok! Ok! I can't even take much more of that!! Ai ai ai. I hope, for your sake, you just scrolled past that and didn't take the time to read through it. Each of those bullet points are just the headline for the thesis-long thoughts that are stuck on repeat in my brain.
I must admit to being a little overwhelmed. I am hoping that an evening of plunking will fix this... however I am trying not to get too hopeful about it because I've tried to plunk numerous times before and something always comes up.
That's the thing to: usually they are excellent somethings. It's just that I'm tired... and I need to plunk...
...and I think I need a hug, a glass of water and a fluffy pillow. Yeah. That should help.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
.Reminders.
Being home for the weekend is never restful - it is usually jammed full of productivity. Friday was just such a day. Mom and I pulled out of the driveway with a long list of stops to make. Surprising to some, I am not a shopper.
On our second stop (the bank) God made me smile. I was talking with our wonderful branch associate Shoba (everyone should have a Shoba, by the way) about trying to get some of my accounts online. She asked me for a temporary password. Something I could remember.
Mm, grace. (It was the first thing that came to mind.)
Shoba looked up at me. "And what reminds you of grace?"
I smiled.
Thanks God.
On our second stop (the bank) God made me smile. I was talking with our wonderful branch associate Shoba (everyone should have a Shoba, by the way) about trying to get some of my accounts online. She asked me for a temporary password. Something I could remember.
Mm, grace. (It was the first thing that came to mind.)
Shoba looked up at me. "And what reminds you of grace?"
I smiled.
Thanks God.
Friday, April 4, 2008
.Where I'm At.
So in the course of driving 2550+ miles over the last several days, Lindsey and I came across several truths. Some are truths we want to hold onto... others that we want to strive for.
In no particular order (and certainly an incomplete list):
1. Wherever you are, be there.
2. Appreciate anatomy.
3. God desires to bless us. (We both feel very spoiled at the moment.)
4. God is Sovereign.
5. Expensive hotels charge for internet but have magic beds.
6. Cheap hotels have free internet and less enchanting sleeping arrangements.
7. Going 95-100 mph is a very freeing experience.
8. 60 bunnies popping up like daisies next to the road within a relatively short distance constitutes as weird.
9. The fact that we didn't hit a single one should be considered miraculous.
10. It makes for a better sense of adventure driving west than it does driving east. You also gain hours rather than lose them.
11. Always take time to stop at odd places... especially if it's the Oz Museum in the middle of nowhere-Kansas.
12. Getting trucks to honk is fun. Having them honk without being asked is interesting.
13. Although a mini-van is a handicap, it is not debilitating.
14. Even a Days Inn looks warm and welcoming at 2am.
15. That same Days Inn does not look the same at 8am.
16. Pack a cooler full of food at the start of the trip and it will last you most of the way.
17. Always travel with someone who you are comfortable both talking to and being silent with.
18. Take pictures.
19. Accept the adventures that come along.
20. Know when it's time to go home.
What can I say? I am a road trip loving girl and God completely blessed this past week. We traveled a total of 2550 miles and drove through Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri and then Illinois and Indiana again. We saw things we hadn't seen before; did things we hadn't done before; met people we didn't know before and experienced God in a way we hadn't imagined before.
All in all, a good trip.
In no particular order (and certainly an incomplete list):
1. Wherever you are, be there.
2. Appreciate anatomy.
3. God desires to bless us. (We both feel very spoiled at the moment.)
4. God is Sovereign.
5. Expensive hotels charge for internet but have magic beds.
6. Cheap hotels have free internet and less enchanting sleeping arrangements.
7. Going 95-100 mph is a very freeing experience.
8. 60 bunnies popping up like daisies next to the road within a relatively short distance constitutes as weird.
9. The fact that we didn't hit a single one should be considered miraculous.
10. It makes for a better sense of adventure driving west than it does driving east. You also gain hours rather than lose them.
11. Always take time to stop at odd places... especially if it's the Oz Museum in the middle of nowhere-Kansas.
12. Getting trucks to honk is fun. Having them honk without being asked is interesting.
13. Although a mini-van is a handicap, it is not debilitating.
14. Even a Days Inn looks warm and welcoming at 2am.
15. That same Days Inn does not look the same at 8am.
16. Pack a cooler full of food at the start of the trip and it will last you most of the way.
17. Always travel with someone who you are comfortable both talking to and being silent with.
18. Take pictures.
19. Accept the adventures that come along.
20. Know when it's time to go home.
What can I say? I am a road trip loving girl and God completely blessed this past week. We traveled a total of 2550 miles and drove through Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri and then Illinois and Indiana again. We saw things we hadn't seen before; did things we hadn't done before; met people we didn't know before and experienced God in a way we hadn't imagined before.
All in all, a good trip.
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